September 9, 2014
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”
September 6, 2014
The host of the convention says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds he says “Eighteen.”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering, “Give him another chance, give him another chance.” The host says, “Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance.”
So he says, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Ninety?” The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling “Give him another chance, give him another chance.”
The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?” The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says “Four.”
Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling “Give him another chance, give him another chance.”
September 4, 2014
Alvy Singer: [narrating] After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I… I realized what a terrific person she was, and… and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I… I, I thought of that old joke, y’know, the, this… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And, uh, the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y’know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and… but, uh, I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs.
September 2, 2014
Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen’s meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn’t like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn’t like her.
August 28, 2014
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
August 26, 2014
Their Army must be very thirsty.